Monthly Archives: February 2012

Chicken Shootout

Copyright goes to original owners. Plz don't sue me, I'm poor and not worth your time.

This has got to be the best art I’ve created in a long time…not including that one time I jizzed on a girl’s face and it looked like Bob Marley.

Recently a bunch of my friends and I gathered together to honour the deliciousness that is fried chicken.  This is how the story ensues and the review of the delectable and detestable yum-yums verbatim (sorta) as I wrote for a friend’s website:

The idea for writing on this blog finalized itself  against a back drop of fried delicacies, fried chicken to be exact.  I’m not sure when the inception of this fried chicken extravaganza birthed itself from the melon of WebGuy but it seemed brilliant enough that the plan was executed the day after we had spoken about it.  Amongst the contenders of fried chicken, we have:

  1. Churches Chicken
  2. L.A. Chicken
  3. Chicken World
  4. KFC
Look at all dem legs and thighs. We used the gravy to lube our mouths and throats.

 

We timed our arrival to the party such that the chicken was still hot, a rather critical but somewhat overlooked assessment as we noticed later on.
Based on some shifty anecdotal evidence from a local car/lifestyle forum (which is also 95% full of tools) there was much hype about L.A. Chicken, particularly since no one in the party has had it before and none of us live in shitty Richmond either.  Everyone knows how awesome Churches is unless you’re white in which case you probably dislike Churches because  it’s “greasy” or whatever retarded and invalid negative opinion you have of it. Most people know how shitty KFC is except if you’re white in which case you probably love this as much you love 80’s theme parties.  Chicken World didn’t have much hype around it so we didn’t know what to expect.

I have no pictures of L.A. Chicken so here is one of the order line at Churches...you pervert!

My first piece of chicken came from L.A. and was a leg piece.  Immediately upon the first bite I noticed how thick the crust was. It’s maybe twice as thick as something you’d find from Churches but if memory serves me correctly, the thickness was akin to Churches’ skin back when I was young(er) lad.  The skin was extremely crispy and lightly seasoned.  Nothing wrong with it except for its thickness (but that is certainly personal preference).  The meat of the leg was juicy and plentiful, exhibiting a wonderful cooperation between the deep fryer and time/space continuum.  L.A. chicken is very much on par with Churches in terms of size and value. Ten mixed pieces was approximately $20 with taxes in.  The difference, however, stands in the thigh pieces and temperature.  I ate a thigh from L.A. after eating a leg from Churches and the amount of meat and  chicken juice gushing from the thigh piece was phenomenal, something I’ve never seen replicated by Churches.  There’s also less bone in their thigh…which may have just been an oddity rather than the norm, I didn’t bother to inquire about it.  We noticed that the thick crust of L.A. was detrimental to its assessment when the chicken became cold as it became rather hard and bland.  Some of you are probably asking “Why the fuck would you eat fried chicken cold?” To answer that, I say “Fuck you. I’m a lazy mother fucker and sometimes I just eat my left over finger food cold.”  So that is why it matters, my friends.

Churches, as always, was a pleasure to devour; if you live in the GVRD and you haven’t ate at Churches you are definitely missing out. If you don’t like the chicken then at least go eat an apple pie there…or an apple pie at A&W that is exactly the same thing but coated in cinnamon sugar, but I digress.  Churches is practically the pinnacle of friend chicken in Vancouver.  The skin is relatively crispy and well seasoned (especially the spicy version) and the meat is always tender and juicy.  It can even be enjoyed cold without too much issue.  I’m not sure why some people complain that it is greasy because

  1. It’s fried fucking chicken
  2. Your ability to differentiate between juice and oil has been compromised by years of deep throating hairy cocks
  3. Read # 1 and 2 again

Oh and only tools would order “white meat” to be deep fried (that means we got mixed dark meat if you can’t read in between the lines).

A picture of Churches Chicken I had one time...that has nothing to do with the feast :).

Well, I’ve finally arrived to the part that I dread, the part where I must recollect the sensations of ingesting fresh horse manure in a chicken coop.  That is how I would surmise the experience of eating Chicken World and KFC with the former being the lesser of the two evils.  I’ll keep it short for the welfare of all humanity for I fear the wrongs committed by these two companies may just irk Jesus enough to fast track the second coming.
Chicken World…where do I begin?  The skin is sufficiently crispy and very thin, probably because it is VERY lightly battered compared Churches and even more so when put up against L.A. Chicken.  My first reaction to the skin was that it tasted…a little bit burnt? Maybe it was old oil. I’m not too sure.  My second reaction was that this tastes like something someone could make at home.  WebGuy’s SO asked if that means the chicken/skin was good.  Well…there are a lot of people who can’t cook but attempt to anyways if you know where I’m going with this.  On the contrary, there are also a lot of people who aren’t cooks by trade and make wonderful “homemade” food. Well, in this case I’d have to consider the former description as theme for Chicken World.  The chicken is okay…not really juicy and not really dry with the thigh being a little drier than the leg.  Worst of all, once the chicken turns cold, it is nearly inedible.  Dryness takes over and no pleasure can be delivered from the consumption of the chicken skin.  I’m deeply disappointed by the fact that this is the result of a commercial fryer and an establishment that specializes in fried chicken.  The redeeming factor of this glory-hole institution is that is cheap at ten pieces for $13 or so.  So if you’re short on cash and want to make money sucking some random dick in a washroom stall…this might just be the joint for you!

The Glory Hole. Hells yeah it feels good!

Kentucky Fried Chicken has the biggest bucket (packaging) of all the chicken fryers.  The disappointment comes when you crack open the lid and all you see are dark, shriveled pieces of shame.  From the beginning of this scientific experience, we all knew what the result of the KFC bucket would be failure.  Sure, crucify me for having biased the results but it doesn’t change the truth, Big Jay didn’t have a problem with it and nor do I.  Whether the lumps of coal were enjoyed hot or cold, the meat was dry and the skin was wrinkly and limp although John Lu said his initial piece was exemplary.  The entire table told him to sit in the corner with his dunce cap on and to not speak for the rest of the night.

The Douchebag-Shithead Colonel! Or maybe it's John Lu with his dunce cap on...

 The shoddy cooking procedures that KFC employs is particularly evident when the chicken turns cold; you can taste the oil soaked in the skin, meat, and most disgustingly in the bones.  I had already stated this before the experiment and prior to the Sheriff’s arrival but when he ate the KFC chicken cold, he echoed my sentiments with a loud and frustrated “what the fuck is this?!”  I don’t recall how much this bucket of boney horse manure costs but it should be avoided at all costs.  The left overs were used for a salad or something according to Webguy’s SO…or was it chicken and waffles?

Look at this sleazy-ass joint (Chicken World) on the corner of Knight and 49th.

As a group, we were pretty much unanimous as to what is good and what is moldy shit. Churches just barely edges out L.A. mostly due to its utilitarian characteristics.  I don’t think nostalgia played a role in any of this as we’re mostly open minded people.  Mostly, LOL.  This isn’t the end-all and be-all of fried chicken in the GVRD, I know there’s apparently a bunch of miscellaneous Korean joints that we’ve missed and perhaps one day we will revisit this test with a new host of contenders.  I do apologize for the lack on interesting pictures but when a gaggle of hungry men are eating fried chicken, there simply isn’t any time to take pictures. But as a first post in the food category, I think this is good enough. I will make a mental note to take notes down next time and maybe take more pictures to avoid the TL;DR crowd.

Until next time,

Dunford Chow

The Sun is a little bitch.

Well, what do you know. Typical Vancouver weather that is forecasted to be sunny but turns out to be half-baked due to our constantly revolving pressure systems.  If you’re going to come out Sun, just come out already and stop hiding behind all those clouds like a little bitch. I need some sunshine in my life.

 

/emo